were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Randomize
