Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
