there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
