remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Randomize
