My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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