I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
