If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Randomize
