I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
But why is there no point in liking him? Does he have herpes? Is he married? Is he gay? Did he get his penis chopped off in a freak accident? If the answer is no to all of the above, then he is fair game
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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