whats wrong with me. i have a coffee mug of wine in the library and i'm doing homework
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
