there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I started making breakfast to subdue the hangover and last of the shrooms and only got as far as eating a half frozen pierogi out of a dixie cup.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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