Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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