chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
