I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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