I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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