If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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