Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Those nachos came to me in a dream
Someone just needs to roll me into a blanket burrito and feed me drugs
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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