tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
