So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I wish I may, I wish I might, get some daddy dick tonight
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