He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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