seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
