Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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