i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I just want cinnabon and vodka.
I just said "you do you" to my penis.
Randomize
