Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I had a dream last night where you were a transsexual in a low cut blue dress with lovely long brown hair. You were very pretty. I hope you are well.
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
There r osticjed everywhere
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
