honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
