Do you have a straightener and are extra lubricated condoms not the norm?
and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Finally buying a camera. Missed out on recording a 3way last night. Hindsight. Ugh.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
