Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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