ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
I got to stop making out with my boss at work. I think we should just get it overwith, be dissaponted and move on.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
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