don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
