seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
