I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
I hope my shame shaped pee stain outside your door goes away soon.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
