The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
ex-cheerleader. ex-gymnast. ex-dancer. i dont even know who to go for tonight
From time to time I think I'm happy for a second and then I remember how a guy stopped me from giving him head on my birthday weekend.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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