So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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