I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I would blow Magic Johnson for a pack of lucky strikes right now. Post-hiv.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
