oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
and i looked up. we had an audience...
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
