the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Randomize
