This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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