A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
I have a sixth sense for large penises and lack of morals
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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