I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
