Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
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