turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
