im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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