i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I believe in weed hangovers. To say the least.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
she was sitting on the toilet asking for me to take a "cute facebook profile picture" for her
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
