I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Randomize
