you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
