guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
my sisters under your porch take her home
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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