did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
is it a bad sign that i now think of my run-ins with cops as "skill building seminars"?
um, yeah. i think it is.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
