Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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