Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
