Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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