You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
Randomize
