Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
The packers need to win more often, Andrew keeps drunk calling me and confessing his undying love for me in between puking and taking more shots.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Oh. I'm probably going to just get a viagra and ruin your life.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
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