I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
