The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
