his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
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