when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
